Have you ever had that dream, the one where you come home and someone else has dinner ready?
Or the version where someone pops their head in your office and says, “I’m getting some coffee, would you like a second cup?” Or even better, they say, “I just came from Starbucks and I picked up a half-caff, low foam, skinny grande latte, since I know it’s about that time of day for ya…” and they plunk down that nectar of the gods right there on your desk. Now that’s my love language! Acts of service, Gary Chapman called it, in the book he wrote back in the 1970s called The Five Love Languages. Acts of Service is one of my love languages, followed closely, or in conjunction, with Quality Time. I’ve apparently spent quality time with that person in my dream, since they knew my Starbucks order! The other languages are Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Gifts are fine, and you can’t really argue with a good hug, but when I hear “You did a good job,” I think to myself, “Well, that’s nice.” As in, “Whatever.”
Affirmation though, goes a long way with my friend Lynn. She knows she likes it. It’s more than encouragement; it’s a statement of truth, a confirmation. It makes her feel good. I know that’s true because I recently thanked her for being a friend and I could see her absorb what I was saying. Literally, I could see it in her eyes and the way her shoulders relaxed. She took it in and tucked it away for a time when that memory would provide needed energy and acknowledgment.
So, I am thinking about these love languages, and how everyone has different preferences. It occurred to me that I tend to engage with other people in the ways that make the most sense to me, according to my preferences. I serve a lot. I spend time with people. I do like to give little gifts, and I think I’m pretty affectionate, but I don’t think about speaking words of affirmation to other folks. It’s been a long time since I read that book, so it was a good reminder to find out how to connect in ways that are meaningful to the other person.
And then I had this “ah-ha” moment. It goes both ways. If I’m paying attention, I can also recognize that when someone speaks to me with words of affirmation, they are doing that because it makes sense to them, and even though it isn’t my favorite I can appreciate their effort. Connecting is about both of us. Sometimes I get my love language, and sometimes I get yours. But it’s all love.